At about 10.20 Tuesday morning, my granddad, WJ, was hit and killed by a car as he crossed the road. I've been fluctuating between emotions. I'm furious at him for being so careless -- what a stupid way to go. He made it to 80, healthier than me, and certainly brighter, only to be killed crossing the road -- he was probably whistling to himself rather than looking where he was going. I'm awed by all the memories I have of him that make me laugh, he was one of the funniest people I have ever met in real life; and warmed, if slightly, that the last thought he had was probably of Diane, his wife's, face and how pleased she'd be to see him. I'm torn between wanting to grieve for myself, and knowing that my mum and Diane need to come first. Mostly, I’m just overwhelmed by how utterly irrevocable it all is.
Diane and he had been smitten with each for nearly 40 years; they had the happiness you're told about as a child in fairytales, even if it did have slightly more sordid beginnings. (He was married; she was his secretary; they fell in love. It's a such a cliche.) They were going into town, but as they'd forgotten their bus passes they decided to walk instead. At the last minute, Di ran back to the house to grab them anyway, just in case they wanted to take the bus back home. As Di was coming back, she saw there had been an accident at the end of the road, so took a side road to avoid it. It was only when she saw he wasn't sitting on the stone wall waiting for her that was when she remembered the accident. By the time she got back to the scene, the whole area was cordoned off; there was a handful of police cars and an ambulance. The uniforms couldn't tell her anything, but asked Di if she had anyone she could call. But how could she know who to call if they couldn't tell her what had happened, she asked, for all she knew it was nothing more than a broken leg. But they couldn't say anything until a Family Liaison Officer arrived to brief her.
That's it, really. It was really just a case of carelessness on either side: the driver must have looked away just as my foolish granddad stepped in front of him. Granddad was killed almost instantly. It's not much of a consolation really, but I couldn't bear it if he had suffered.
Today I'm feeling much less angry and far less stricken, even though it's actually starting to all settle in a bit more. I've had so many people sending me love and their thoughts, I feel quite buoyed by it. Matthew, dearheart of mine, is like all of them into one (slightly furrier) person. I can collapse and he picks me up; I'm really not sure what I'd do without him.
I've been asked to write the eulogy for the funeral next week. I'd like to be poignant, but mostly I just keep thinking about all those little things that made him up -- like the gentle dents his glasses left in his cheekbones, and the smell of his aftershave and the feel of his shaving brush, and how he'd cackle when we were all conspiring against Di to come off one of her diets by getting her to make us cakes. The stories he'd tell -- he had such a dirty sense of humour and felt that children would appreciate it more than adults -- much to the reluctant chagrin of the adults around us, though my sister and I would howl, crying with laughter.
In any case, we're all beginning to cope with it. My sister is flying over this weekend, she'll probably stay with us and I will be driven crazy by being in such close proximity, regardless of the circumstances. (I suspect that sounds a bit callous, but I know me too well to pretend otherwise.) In the meantime, I will be nostalgic and vaguely Edwardian -- I've been reading too many Agatha Christies, but it seems to suit my mood.
I'm so sorry to hear this news about your grandfather, but glad that you could know him for so long. My thoughts are with you and your family. P
Posted by: P | August 25, 2009 at 02:49 PM
I only realises what you meant by "a bit of hectic" recently when reading this! sorry to learn about it, I know how you feel. Glad to know at least now you're having a bit holiday and getting better. :)
Posted by: Lia | August 02, 2009 at 05:52 PM
thinking of you
x
Posted by: Lucinda | July 30, 2009 at 10:43 AM
I'm really sorry to hear this love. My thoughts are with you and your family. xxxx
Posted by: Sharon | July 23, 2009 at 01:04 PM
Sorry sorry sorry.
Glad you're well taken care of. All of us who have had wonderful grandparents to love us and delight in us, to love and delight in are SO LUCKY! My partner still has 2 grandmothers and isn't close to either of them and I find that so sad, when I still feel a grip in my heart when I think of my beloved grandmother.
Posted by: Emily | July 20, 2009 at 08:12 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your Grandfather was the kind of man where the world will be a poorer place for his absence.
Posted by: Brooke | July 20, 2009 at 04:52 PM
sending virtual hugs. *hugs*
Posted by: kylie | July 20, 2009 at 04:36 AM
I'm so so sorry, that is awful and such a shock. I hope you get lots of love showered on you and take one day at a time. Good luck with the eulogy.
Sending you a big hug Lara xx
Posted by: Lara | July 18, 2009 at 05:37 PM
That bit about your sis doesn't sound callous - family comes in all shapes and sizes and even though we love it that doesn't mean we want to spend time with it. Am so sorry about your grandfather. I was at a 'celebration of life' for a family friend I'd hardly seen more than twice in the last 20 years. Despite this I found myself crying as her immediate family brought her so vividly back with their stories. Everyone at the service will really appreciate everything you feel able to share about him.
Posted by: Lix | July 18, 2009 at 03:25 PM
So sorry. I hope you're doing okay and getting through it all. Sending good thoughts your way.
Posted by: katie m. | July 17, 2009 at 05:18 PM
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your blog for a while and I know that the words of a stranger won't mean much, but I just wanted to say how sad I am for you and your family. You have written a beautiful tribute to your grandfather in this post.
Posted by: felinity | July 17, 2009 at 03:42 PM
I'm so sorry. It's ok to feel angry and to think of the others who are grieving but don't forget to grieve yourself...it sounds like he was a wonderful grandfather and meant a lot to you.
Posted by: Laura | July 17, 2009 at 10:06 AM
So sorry to hear about this Emmms.
Sending you hugs xxx
Posted by: Laura | July 17, 2009 at 09:36 AM
I am so so sorry for your loss. I think no matter when it happens it always seems too sudden, and of course always shocking. I remember when one of my grandmas died I was completely heart broken, and you know it's ok to let you feeling be all over and not to be strong - people don't expect you to; you could always grieve together, if you can. It's great that you have such nice memories of your granddad, it's good to smile and laugh it out through tears. Hugs.
Posted by: Katy | July 17, 2009 at 08:33 AM
I am so very sorry; that's heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing a few of your memories with us. I have no doubt that your granddad's humour, kindness, and love will shine through in your eulogy. Wrap yourself up in lots of love and take care. x
Posted by: Larissa | July 17, 2009 at 06:35 AM
All I can say is that I am sorry for your loss knowing that this is no comfort and I hope that the eulogy is everything that you want to to be and in the mean time as trite as it may sound take ita day at a time.
Posted by: Nic | July 16, 2009 at 10:47 PM
I am so sorry for your loss! Your granddad sounds like someone I would have felt privileged to know. I hope you don't mind (seeing as we've never met), but I'm sending you a virtual hug.
Posted by: Camille | July 16, 2009 at 10:39 PM
That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. He sounds like an amazing man.
Posted by: Friday | July 16, 2009 at 10:24 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry. Irrevocable it is indeed, and pointless. But you have such wonderful memories of him, I'm sure you'll write a wonderful eulogy. Good luck and strength.
Posted by: Klozknitz | July 16, 2009 at 10:14 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you will write him a perfect eulogy--your love for him really shines through in this post.
Posted by: orata | July 16, 2009 at 09:49 PM
So very, very sorry.
As for the eulogy, you may be poignant in the beginning and at the end, but in the middle, remember his humor. I have written my share of eulogies and I always mention humorous things they did or said as part of their life story. It often provoked people to share their own funny memories with each other after the service...a laughter through the tears. May you find solace in remembering him for others.
Posted by: Mary | July 16, 2009 at 09:16 PM
Darlin', I'm so sorry. There are so many things I could say: he live a long and fulfilled life, at least he didnt suffer, etc. But, it all sounds a bit trite. It's okay to be angry and it's okay to have tears. Let Matthew take care of you and I'll send a hug your way.
Posted by: Walterknitty | July 16, 2009 at 08:26 PM